My Own Dose of Funny

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11/20/2012:
Me:  (calling Liliana from another part of the house) Liliana... come here babe.
Liliana: (calling back) Why did you go under they-yer?
Me:  (calling back to her) Under where?
Liliana:  Haaaaaaaah!  I made you say under way-yer!!!!!  Heeeheeeheeee!!!

11/14/2012:
Henry:  Why is your bottom so big, Mama?

Guess I should have kept right on going past Krispy Kreme this morning.  Darn donuts.

11/2012:
The kids were prattling on in the kitchen when I hear one of them say, "I'm not FAT!  Daddy's FAT!" Then another piped in with, "Yep, Daddy's fat.  Daddy's definitely fat."

11/6/2012:

Liliana:  They're having a yard sale!!
Me:  No, that's a voting precinct.  People go there to vote.
Liliana:  For what?
Me:  For the President.  (wondering how well she's been listening) Who do you want to be President?
Liliana: I don't know their names.
( So I tell her.  Then we talk about who I voted for.)
Liliana:  Is the first guy bad?
Me: Well, no, he just doesn't follow the Bible.
Liliana:  So he kicks people.
Me:  Well...
Liliana: (interrupting) And he punches popele in the nuts?
Me:  LILIANA!  We don't talk like that.

If only it were that simple!  (I must admit I'm happy to live in a home where we do not bash the President of our nation- even when we disagree with him.)


9/11/2012
At dinner Michal was talking about Middle School and wondering (not too pleased) why she can't go next year.

Zeb:  She suffered from it and she doesn't want us suffering from it.

Michal:  Yeah, I heard her say it was the worst 3 years of her life!  (chuckle, chuckle)

Middle school sounds a bit like a bad rash, huh?


8/26/2012

Our goose, Sharpay, laid her first egg yesterday; and although it wasn't golden, we were excited just the same.  Due to the fact that her mate, Howard, committed suicide a month ago, we are confident that there is no chance a baby goose is in that egg!  The girls aren't so sure, though, and want to put it in the incubator.  There is no reasoning with Liliana, but with Michal...

Michal:  Mom, let's hatch it!
Me:  It's not fertile, baby.
Michal:  But how do you knooooowwwww?
Me:  Because you need a boy and a girl to make an egg fertile.
Michal:  But there could be a boy in that egg.  That may work.
Me:  No, you need Howard and Sharpay together.  A boy and a girl together.
Michal: (somewhat disappointed) Is that a law?
Me:  (giving pause) Pretty much...


8/22/2012

Liliana:  Mom, I'm in fuhst gwade and that's too old to be wetting my pull-up.  Can I just sleep on the toilet?

8/7/2012

nightmares of a six year old girly-girl...

Liliana crawled in bed with me this morning after having a horrible dream. "Tell me about it, baby," I say.

"I was at Warl-mart and a man took my Barbie and poured glitter on all my stuff."
"Oh, no!" I replied, "Could you get the glitter off?"
"No, it was sticky glitter."

I'm thinking a therapist may be in order.  Where and when and how much glitter we use is a personal decision, darn it.

8/2012:

I wanted to know if Liliana understood the concept of sin so I asked her.
Me:  Do you know what sin is?
Liliana: It's when you do bad things like stick your toe in someone's food.
Me: Have you ever sinned?
Liliana:  (emphatically) No mam!

7/29/2012
Me: Zeb, did you brush your teeth?
Zeb:  Yes m'am.
Me: (doubtful) You did?
Zeb:  Yes m'am.
Me:  (still doubtful) Tonight?
Zeb: Yes m'am! (insert quick finger snap/point combination here) You can pray to God and ask Him and He'll say "Yes!"

7/2012
Our house rules hang prominently in the kitchen.  These rules came straight from my brain- so if you're wondering why they're simple, well, there ya' go.  Here they are:

So Liliana did something very unkind the other day and the "great suffering" entitled to her was not administered right away.  A few hours later I called her to me.  The convo went like this:

Me:  Liliana, what you did to Henry was very unkind and now it's time for your punishment.
Liliana:  But Mama, youuuuuu, bwoke a wule, too.  Youuuuuu  didn't act quickly.  You're supposed to act quickly and youuuuu  bwoke the wule, too.

Needless to say, there wasn't much suffering after that conversation.  I did learn a lesson, though!  I need to Obey Quickly as well.  I expect immediate obedience.  When that doesn't happen, they should expect immediate discipline.

7/16/2012
I've been working very hard with Henry about not touching or messing with things that don't belong to him.  This is not an easy task.  He touches EVERYTHING!!!

Me:  Henry, is that yours?
Henry:  No sir. (he rarely uses m'am)
Me:  Why are you touching it?
Henry:  I don't knowwwwww....  I don't know how to stop touching everything.  When you go to Africa they touch everything all the time.

7/10/2012
Me:  Henry why do you lie to me?
Henry:  I don't knowwwwwww.
Me:  Do you like spankings?
Henry:  Noooooo.  
Me:  You must because you lie and when you lie you get a spanking.
Henry: I don't like spanking.
Me:  Then why do you lie?
Henry: Zeb teaches me to lie.
Me:  I don't think so.
Henry:  Well, I think so!

7/9/2012:
Liliana:  Michal kicked me in my nuts!!!!
Me:  Liliana, you don't have nuts.
Liliana: (enlightened) Oh.  She kicked me in my business.

7/6/2012:
Liliana:  Mama,  every night I go to sleep and when I wake up it's morning. I don't know how that happens, but it does.  Every time.

6/22/2012
Zeb:  Mama, what did they call TV when you were young?
Me:  TV.
Zeb:  Really?

6/15/2012
Liliana:  Mama, how do you say I love you in Hand Spanish.

Pretty sure she's talking about sign language.

***********

Michal:  ALRIGHT, who sliced the cheese???!!!

4/3/2012
Zeb:  Mom, I learned a new bad word today at school.
Me:  What is it?
Zeb:  (whispering in my ear- although no one else is around) m-a-g-g-e-t
Me:  Maggot?  Maggot's not a bad word.
Zeb:  Wait, maybe it's not maggot....  Uhmmmm...  Man, I can't remember it... Wait... Wait!!  Oh, yeah... it's f-a-g-g-e-t.  That's it.
Me:  Yeah, that's not a nice word.  Don't say it.

Not once did he ask me what it meant.

4/2/2012
While Liliana has ceased calling people humans- now they're just people, Henry has started calling his brother and sisters "friends."  Don't tell me he's not picking things up at preschool.  "Mama, I just want to play with my friends.  I don't want to go clean my room."

3/13/2012
Michal:  Is the clock on the stove an hour behind?
Me:  Yes, I haven't changed it yet.
Michal:  Why do we change the time?
Me: (hoping this is correct) To make the day longer.  It helps us to conserve energy.  We don't have to keep the lights on as long.
Michal:  But how does the sun know?

3/5/2012
Henry:  Lili, where you from?
Liliana:  I'm from nowhere.  I'm from...  I wasn't adopted.  I'm from no where.  I'm from Mama's belly.  I'm from Mama, and that's just nasty.

3/4/2012
Zeb is going snow skiing for the first time with my parents during Spring Break.  He is not happy about going to ski school.

Me: Zeb, why don't you want to go to ski school?
Zeb: I just don't like the idea of going to another country and going to school with people I don't know.
Me: You're not going to another country, you're going to another state.
Zeb: But Asia is a continent.
Me: Yes, and Colorado is a state.
Zeb: But China is a country in Asia, and Asia is a continent.
Me:  Go get the globe...

3/2/2012
Michal:  "For Peter's sake, Zeb! Shut the door."

3/1/2012
Henry: Mama!! I've got good news!!!!
Me: You do?
Henry: (with a total I'm going to be really funny face and voice...) Home is over!!  Time to go back to Africa! (followed by 5 good minutes of laughter)